I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
he let me wear his jacket and there was a magnum and a bowl in his pocket ... I think im in love
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
We made the pizza boy do Jell-o shots with us. He didn't even deliver to our house, we just called him over from the neighbors
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
Randomize
