you kept wiggling your finger at everybody at the party telling us this is how he fingered me. you seemed pretty upset about it.
i need gas-x and some way to take back every single thing i did last night.
I want to hump her dimples until her face caves in.
So many issues. You honestly need help.
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
While looking for socks, I found my mothers sex toy box. Dear god I finally understand where my kinkiness comes from.
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Randomize
