i feel rough
just turned on the light, there is blood EVERYWHERE.
Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
Oh, and apparently I was butt ass naked and walked into the room where anna was skyping her dude in afghanistan and said "This is happening."
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
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