I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
he just used "boss" and "boner" in the same sentence. I cant respond.
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
Well were gunna have to wash the couch cover now...maybe even the couch, soap or fire your decision
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
Just made a bong out of a pineapple. So yes.. And champagne is about to be popped
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
Randomize
