Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
Okay, just a casual question: how did i manage to get grass stains on the inside of my bra?
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
The boys wrestled in the living room for the last condom while the girls chanted, "THE LAST MELON."
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
help. there is a guy in a bunny costume.
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
