So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
Laughlin, where retired strippers come to die.
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
I'm completely creeped out. He's dressed as me. And thinks it's funny.
Randomize
