also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
And no, shaving doesn't make it look bigger, either
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
I'm celebrating tres de junio so if you can help me find some sombreros ill be grateful. Also, today in 1992 Aborigines were granted rights to their land so I might need some boomerangs.
So I'm up to masturbating three times a day, drunk textin my ex, not doing any hw and I've failed half of my tests so far
Sounds better than last semester
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
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