he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
i think im having one of those erections lasting four or more hours
better yet, through the bookshelves. like an intellectual glory hole
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
who paints a picture of their own dick and sends it to people. i dont know if its borderline crazy or just fucking genius...
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
If this party got busted it would be an improvement
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
i was making a gravity bong in my room and my dad walked in. he helped me finish. i love being home for the holidays.
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
Randomize
