mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
i'm watching the tyra show: "women who beat up their boyfriends" - lets see how she can make THIS one all about herself too.
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
Randomize
