seriously i just wanna be friends
pass
Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
It's either jizz or frosting, and either way, someone's being held accountable.
Travelers Top-Tip: Europeans do not appreciate being repeatedly referred to as "gypsy" regardless of how good your Borat impression is.
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
There were 16 girls and 31 titties. That’s how the club was. Lance doesn’t get to decide ever again.
Randomize
