My insides feel lik shag carpet. It is awesome
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
Pretty sure that Albanian broad gave me something last night. Now we play the waiting game.
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
I can coach you back to consumption. Think of it kinda like Rocky II.
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
He sent me a picture of him trying to push his cock into a Gatorade bottle. I dont know if I'm impressed it didn't fit and disgusted that he sent me something so vile.
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
You kept running around yelling "I need my pajamas" & then you got naked. Shit just went downhill from there.
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
Randomize
