he showed me his boner with his cell phone light during the movie.
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
How bad would it be if I wore out the dress we got peed on in. You're the only one who knows.
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
now that we broke up we are playing hot potato with the cock ring.. Poor thing just needs a home
I don't have any soul left to be crushed.
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
Bro I rebuilt the dungeon in animal crossing visit me
Broooo
Randomize
