Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
Just drive me around campus, I will be able to smell their innocence.
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
He was like a foghorn with a huge penis.
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
I started blowing him in North Dakota, and I finished the job in Minnesota. Oh, the places road head can take you.
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
Also my roomates are going to be gone till sunday. Make correct decision here
Quit calling your parents your roomates
I was just at the gas station and happened to look left and see a girl blowing some guy. How was your night?
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
Randomize