a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
judging by the mobile uploads you added of me last night, we cant keep living this way.
I'm starting to blur the boundary between reasonable senioritis and self-destruction. Somewhat-openly hittin the flask in 11am class
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
There are fucking limits. Jerking another guy off in the bar toes the line.
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
Randomize
