I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
I think I just snorted head and shoulders by mistake.
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
I think one make out session at a bar per year is probably the best choice.
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
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