Why do I feel like I'm not the only one drinking to make my night class teacher look better?
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
Thanks in advance for a great weekend. Sorry your roommates are going to hate you after I leave. They need to loosen up anyways.
His morals are debatable, but his heart or perhaps his penis is in the right place.
His penis is crooked. Right place? Maybe he starts there, but then he slants.
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
that was THE gayest party i've ever been to
To be fair, the theme was Cabaret. I don't know what you were expecting.
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
Come over. And we'll put iced coffee in the bong.
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
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