she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
1 in 5 deaths i nrussia is alcohol related. GO MOTHERLAND
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
New BDSM fun fact. When you get spanked hard enough with a flat object, you get welts. Welcome to thunderdome, bitches.
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
Sitting topless in my room drinking wine from a box... It's good to be back at school
NOTHING IN THE WORLD IS GOOD SOFT
NOT ICECREAM NOT DICKS
NOTHING
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
Hmmm, well all I'm saying is don't do anything too irrational because you miss him and are blinded by his large penis.
yeah, but I wanna be the girl that makes him realize he's 100% gay
Randomize
