Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
shit went down at the bar when this girl with 'morals' totally cock blocked a married guy. she actually kicked IN the bathroom door when they were fucking in there. then we all did shots.
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
If Anthony Weiner can get in trouble for sexting 2 or 3 girls I dunno how politicians will make it in 10 years.
Lol I would vote for a guy that is trying to be a senator that has a viral video of him motorboating a topless chick
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
I guess it's too forward to greet him with a blow job?
Randomize
