My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
update: last drink of the night and im naked in my porch hammock. life is good.
In case you were wondering, my scare crow is wearing your outfit from last night.
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
listening to the two girls in the next stall finish a 40 and laugh at this guy they both fucked. they're calling him 'tulip dick'.
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
I'm stranded in the Hampton area. Looks like I'm going to have to take one for the team and pass out by this applebees.
I've never known a guy to fuck more random girls in the ass then Dom. His rectal kill ratio is at like 85%
He's like the Derek Jeter of Anal
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
He passed out naked in my bathroom, then took a shower, then passed out again and then took another shower. Last time I let my brother visit.
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
Randomize