Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
I have to have sex with him again. I feel like I need to train him so no other girl experiences that bad of sex.
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
and I believe it was when I was running to class to take a test still drunk in my Halloween costume that I realized I have reached that point in the semester where I just don't give a flying fuck anymore.
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
Plus, I've always wanted to drive in rush hour with a huge cock drawn on my hood
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
I think I was just hit on by Jesus Christ. This is not okay. Bad Touch. I NEED AN ADULT!
Calm the hell down, it's just stoner Bob.
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
Randomize
