I just saw my grandmother naked. again. this needs to stop now.
I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
The way I see it, everyone on campus has a fake, but I'm the only person who actually makes beer in their dorm.
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
my poor anus
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
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