Ehh boy. FML. she was unattractively large.
Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
shes on the ground doing bicycle kicks screaming "is my ass good enough for you now satan" send help
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
My co-worker accidentally texted me regarding the threesome him and other one are planning.
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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