my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
Ok forget what i said about christmas break being awful. Chasing shots with fudge
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
A kid in my class brought a George Foreman and cooked food mid lecture. When the prof found out, all the kid did was ask if he wanted some.
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
We can see it once so I can see the whole movie, then I'll go see it with him so I know when the boring parts are and I can have sex with him during those parts
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
She had caution tape on her head and she blew me.
Reading an example in the GRE study book referencing Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles while wearing TMNT pajamas. *airfist*
omg please tell me you're eating pizza right now too.
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
Please write a memoir and name it "Game Boy and Dick Stuff"
I touched the butt once. 'Twas an experience with the greatness of legend. So I touched it once more.
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