why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
I'm pretty sure I'm almost gay. Like, I'd do it if I had no choice. Like, if i were in prison I'd try it.
Also I just saw on facebook your sister is taking pole dancing lessons. Just a heads up.
He looks like the kind of guy that would jack off to weird things.
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
The bond between me and cheese is something no man can understand.
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
Was the guy in the cowboy hat kinda hot or have I just not had sex in a really long time?
It is 5:00PM and I'm just now putting on underwear.
the last thing i heard from her was "i wanna get fucked by a stranger" and i haven't seen her since
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
Me and my dad hot boxed a hotel bathroom... That's what I call father son bonding
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
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