woke up to moans and hushed"we can't do this with him in here." hope they had a good time
just saw a former disney star do a keg stand. her life choices have improved.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
Just had flashback to me showering u with stir fry as u rythed on the floor
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
National champion athletes like gay butt sex, too. I'm just here to help them out.
He's talking about feelings now. I don't even know if he came???
Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleep.
we're so committed to being not committed
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
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