we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
She woke up 3 seperate times, each time she had a look of pure terror on her face, she had no clue where she was.
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
No, we have matured. We've stopped having sex in front if his room mate.
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
And some old guy told me Jesus loves me and I laughed super hard and told him sinning is fun. Hahaha
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
Randomize
