how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
yeah, i'm not. but i'm ready for free bjs. it's just hard to find women who will give me a beej while i'm sobbing uncontrollably
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
Goldenshlager is a hell of a drink. And these are the adventures ur missing out on w me. I gave someone a bath Emily. A BATH.
Awkward
Can't say I wouldn't let it happen again.
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
I vaguely remember a drunken mid sex pinky promise to not let it get weird.
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
Dude i woke up today by a pile of fried chicken and wearing a bra
.......stop going to frat parties....
Randomize
