apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
You stood in front of a yellow Camaro and kept yelling at it to "Transform already!!!!".. yeah, I'd say you were pretty wasted.
I miss the smell of you or some shit.
I got back at him the only way I knew how, by hooking up with the guy he hates from their rival fraternity.
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
So, we estimated there is at least 40 pounds of boob in our house.
Remember, ur body isn't a visitors center
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
Would you consider masturbating to Hocus Pocus an adulthood high or low?
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
Dude, she had a pound of gunpowder in her closet. I for sure got a fear boner.
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
Randomize
