Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
In case you were wondering...putting everclear into a humidifier DOES get you really really drunk.
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
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