i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
We have sex, then he cooks. It's like a fantasy.
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
Haha pretty bummed I didn't stay night yesterday after the bj fest you described
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
When I don't want to forget things I put them on my cigs.
C smoking isn't all bad
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
Car sex in a public place. Boo ya.
Randomize
