my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
i dont know you, but i just did a line with your business card.
Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
Ok that kid was ether gay or 12 with a beard.
It was disgusting, and I would've rather licked the condensation off the windows instead, but I figured that's wasn't very ladylike
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
the other day i was so high i found pages and pages of pictures of HD hamburgers and patriotic music. bong rips for merica.
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
you can't get cum all over my hair and then tell me you just want to be friends
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
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