found a dugout with weed in it in dad's car. decided to top up the weed compartment with salvia. for fun.
I just wiped my vajayjay with snow. Bad idea.
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
Solid. Can't put a price on good times
You can and it's called a liver.
So I walk in and he's teaching someone in London via Skype how to roll a blunt. I have new found respect for him.
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
He was hammered and shot his pistol into the lawn. Next thing I know sheriffs are at our house with M4s. He likes to party
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
I rubbed his back while he puked for an hour and then ended up getting laid when I tried to put him to bed, best puke and rally I've ever seen.
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
Randomize
