Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
haha my mom just sent us out to go to all of the hair cutting places to ask for hair because deer ate all our zuchini.. and we have to pee in a bucket all day cause deer hate urine. please tell me we are normal?
i cant lie to you.
My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
high as fuck. watching parent trap with my mom. keep missing my mouth.
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
She frightens me and turns me on at the same time. She's a keeper
Restraining order pending?
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
i warned you not to do dabs 20 minutes before graduation. You never listen
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
I wish I may, I wish I might, get some daddy dick tonight
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
Randomize