I can't believe believe she called me a slut. She doesn't know anything about me or my life.
Shit, that's something a lot of sluts say.
btw, but what hole was i in last night? wanna know if i have to worry
I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
I just shaved my legs while pooping. classy or trashy?
talent.
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
you're the third guy in less than 24 hours she fucked. I'm glad you lost your virginity just don't act like you climbed Mt. Everest.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
Randomize
