We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
I gave up my innocence when I let him cum in my spelling bee trophy
So ahh..."Multicultural Night" turned into "Fuck the Neighbor Night"
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
i did nothiing wrong other than not tell that kid his whole back was covered in puke
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
I'm hammerd and his penis is still the size of a giraffe's neck
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
Randomize