There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
two questions - what stuff of mine was pawned and who has the pawn tickets.
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
Is it wrong that the only reason I'd want Savannah in my wedding party is to watch her whore around and drink?
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
This is classic penis vs brain.
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
Like wanna sit on your face while you speak German hot
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
Randomize