I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
I cant believe you went home with her.. Your poor immune system and the shit you put it through.
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
It would have been nice to break the dry spell with nice, civilized, sober sex somewhere other than on my friend's couch.
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
and you fell through a lawn chair
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
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