If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
I look like a poor person in the cast of Gay Oliver.
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
im pretty sure one of the guys i was dancing with at graffiti wrote on my back "you rock". now feel like a danced with a 5 year old.
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
i feel like im paying for every hangover i didnt experience last year as a freshman. thank you sophomore year.
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
So high, just applauded for a magic trick on Hulu.
Who knew removing piercings would be so radical?
All I remember was my mom walking through the door, and then me asking her if she wanted a hit.
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