I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
nothing like a cross blunt to celebrate the birth of our savior
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
Randomize
