theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
Yeah. He most definitely jizzed himself in the face.
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
I WOLD FCUK YUO INTOO THE MOON
THE MOOOOOOOON
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
Okay but look at his jawline. I NEED TO RIDE IT.
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
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