when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
It's sad because pictures are supposed to say a thousand words, and theirs just say 'fat'
i swear to god even though i took those meds before coming here i did not hallucinate zulema silently throwing up into a breakfast burrito
Don't remember shit. It was only until I saw the glaze on my forearm that I knew you drove to get donuts last night. I also spent 20$ there apparently
would you say our friendship is at the "help each other shave animal patterns in each other's pubes" phase?
I AM THERE IN SPIRIT, TICKLING YOUR BALLS
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
Called Apple, my penis pics are safe.
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
He radiates elegant sexual dominance. I bet even his balls have pinstripes.
slept with a 6'5 mountain man from Montana and then he played 'Girls Just Wanna Have Fun' on repeat..
Randomize
