I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
My goal for this summer is to make enough extra money to be able to afford the ticket for water skiing naked.
I have no idea what's going on.... I just want to wear my horse sweatshirt and drink vodka.
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
some people waaaaait a lifetime for a hookuppp like this some people seeeearch forever for that one special handjobbb
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
I woke up this morning and had to retrieve my clothes from the flagpole, they were using my boxers as a makeshift rally flag for drinking. Yeah last night was a success.
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
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