It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
So puking trix and chicken wings is horrible but atleast we got free drinks for taking the trash out at the bar we are really movin up in the world
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
There's a girl in class eating a pumpkin pie. Like a whole pie straight from the pan with a fork.
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
Yess he was literally so drunk that like at one point I'm pretty sure he thought it was hard and in when neither were true :/ haha
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
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