Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
Just wiped the ashes off my forehead before he came over to have sex. Definitely going to hell.
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
Hey, you should go to your facebook ASAP... i'm guessing you're wasted but you just uploaded a picture of someones dick...and everyones taking bets now if its Rick or Mikes..
I'm disappointed in the internet. It's two days and there's still no fanfiction based off that Manning/Beckham commercial.
You don't even like football
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
Randomize
