I checked into jail on foursquare
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
It's only been a week and i've already broken my no summer randoms rule twice.
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
The only thought that went through my head was "that would be an absolute disaster" so of course I said yes
Hes wearing a shirt that says warning shitshow and i cant help but think his attorney made him wear it so ppl know the dangers.
Whatever happend to that lawsuit where he got sued for shittig in that fish tank
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
I appreciate your acceptance of my lack of morals
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
Randomize
