i came on her dog
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
when he put a condom on for a handjob cuz he didn't want to "blow his load in the car" i started to question my choice in guys..
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
He would drink pee if it was in a beer can
I lost the back to your old name tag last night in a girls shirt. It got me a view of some titties though, I guess in some way you're still doing your brotherly deeds
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
Randomize
