Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
Well if I fail my finals for being drunk on Cinco De Mayo there is always next year to graduate.
You said that last year...
I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
honestly, i just want you to have sex with him too so that you can fully understand my appreciation of his dick as well.
All i remember is Liz dragging me home yelling at me, crying, and barfing
She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
The last thing I remember was wearing a sombrero and trying to do cartwheels in the club
You did one successfully. Then smashed into the wall
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
And ANOTHER guy that I once got naked is doing gay porn now. Wtf? Am I the audition?!
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