you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
So someone hacked my email and facebook and posted a boob pic I took a few years ago as my profile picture. I feel like an MTV commercial.
it's a gatorade, cheez its, and regret kind of morning....
Blacked in riding a tandem bicycle with a stranger. We stopped for hot dogs.
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
i would like you to please flash back to us blacked out in the bathroom when you told me i needed to take one for the team and have a threesome with you and jon to help your relationship. you then told me you had no issue putting ghb in my drink to make it happen.
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
well a fat roach just fell out of my hair. so there's that
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
Randomize
