you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
The pride tent is doing free lube tastings. There is also a mechanical bull.
she asked to have her picture taken with every guy we walked by.
Drinking, I should not. Got here I don't know. Still drunk, I am. At courtneys.
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.
Topenga is going to be back on TV. Finally my fantasy of her being a milf in junior high has come full circle.
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
Hi, my name is Ashslay and I'll be your designated shitshow.
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
Randomize