peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
i friday night watching house. god, i need a life, friends, and a legitimate fake id.
Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
she was dressed as a doctor claiming that after she was done i would have a "permaboner"
No dude, you can't hot box a bus shelter.
Can you pinpoint the moment you decided it was acceptable to trade blow jobs for beers or was it a gradual slide?
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
Running across campus through Hurricane Sandy while hammered and in a slutty cowgirl costume obviously should be top priority tonight
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
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