she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
I can still taste your cum in my mouth and my in-laws are coming over. This should go well.
We still on for Manwhore Monday?
Randomize
