I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
Nope, didn't see her. We left when you told us you were going to make the " big beef burrito supreme" even more supreme and you took your dick out.
he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
My vagina is not really on board with my "emotional issues"
Would be fun, plus since its in public I'll keep my penis in my pants
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
I just masterbated to the home shopping channel...what have I become...
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
I'm sorry i showed you my boobs.. I probably shouldn't have done that.
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
Randomize
