If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
i think i have two assholes
You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.
gin and tonic in a mug. no limes so im using canned madarin oragnes. classy or trashy?
homeless.
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
I went to the haunted house just to see her - Hello new fetish!
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
it wasn't sex so much as.....a disastrously uncomfortable sexual experience
I had to ask. I mean when you get a snap chat of a nipple you have to ask who's it is.
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
Randomize
