i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
she is the kim kardashian of front butts
she was puking into the toilet drowning herself saying "its okay im a swimmer"
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
This is what happens when wu tang raised you
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
She doesn't even know his real name...he just keeps calling himself Hans the Third
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
I just sat watching friends in the bathtub by candlelight...nights like this make me wonder if I ever want to be in a relationship again
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
His dick smelled like strawberries...it was awesome.
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