i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
you need to leave class get on facebook and start untagging IMMEDIATELY
Second night spent with creepy guy. I either need to change his nickname or stop doing this.
I don't even know where to begin....there's queso sauce and public hair stuck to everything
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
I will also take that commission in the form of weed. Pass that on to the asst. manager.
But the guy you're fucking should not be within ten pounds of your weight when you're five fucking feet tall and he's 6'2". That's all I'm saying.
im in the library and there's this guy on a computer just staring at a google image of beer. finals week is rough.
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
i was really depressed when i left the health dept this morning after i had to write a higher number next to "partners" than "age"
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
Randomize
