Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
I was high enough to understand and function with 'flip' while playing brick breaker
Damn. I don't think I could ever be that high.
with your vagina and my liver, anything is possible
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
Boobs are out for the taking
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
We're making a scrapbook of dick pics, you want in or what?
Fuck me first. Then we can craft and watch Terminator 2.
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
Randomize
