Dual....:-)
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
And I'm supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion?
I knew the night had taken a turn when we showed up and our flabongo was being chilled in the freezer.
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
But the real question is how many people didn't see my dick last night?
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
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