my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
turns out gay frats are just like normal frats, only with more v-necks
im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
Just saw a porn entitled "Nad Biter". Redheads are now forever out of the picture.
I actually want to hang out with her with our clothes on. That's a big step up for me.
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
hi sober isdnt real. this is a mass rtoomate taext i thing. bye
AMAZING.
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
Randomize
