I'm at the house listening to vengaboys alone. Please come home.
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
No. I do not want to discuss your lesbian tendencies with my sister.
She still started it.
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
I'm not considering your visit a success until we've fucked every cock in the ethnic rainbow...between the four of us we should have it done by x-mas
it's just one of those nights where i don't care if anyone sees my vagina
Time for jim to play the "dont seriously consider pooping in the trash" game
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
He finger blasted me like an angel dude
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
Randomize
