not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
Living room floor. I asked him to give me a back rub. He did. And smoothly transitioned that to foreplay, then basically threw me on the floor. My vagina hurts. He deserves another Christmas present.
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
I woke up and discovered I gave new meaning to the term "pizza pockets" yes it's exactly like it sounds like
we should definitely drink gin again. soon.
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
Drunk you decided to patrol campus as the Arrow and tell random bystanders "YOU HAVE FAILED THIS CAMPUS." Campus P.D. did not join your crusade.
That explains the nerd bow & arrow...
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
Randomize
