You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
ok so hold on... from what i hear... thank you... i'm sorry... and your welcome.
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
he made his penis look like a sprinkler when he was coming. it was pretty cool actually.
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
had a nice chat with the older gay fellow who works in the bakery at the new vons about vday...we both feel that it's a day of dashed expectations & concerns that we'll have to be cut out of our spanx
Her hotness level dropped from an 8 to a 2 as soon as I walked into her place. It REEKED of cat piss and there was no litter box and NO CATS.
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
Randomize