I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
She's never had brie before last night, don't know if I can date a girl that doesn't like soft cheeses.
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
just found glitter in my belly button...seriously when will this nightmare end
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
It's also dangerous to ride a bike down the stairs after a few beers, but I've done it.
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
He is a beautiful butterfly covered in tattoos and naked.
Randomize
