i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
Last night he was fingering me with one hand to his ear, calling himself 'dj clittles'
Thats what happens when go home with guys that wear shutter shades to the bar..
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
If we both stop thinking about your penis for just a moment, we'd realize it is important and good that you are spending quality time with your family
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
Due to last night I think a roommate constitution should be made. The first law will be designed to prevent any chicks below a 4 to enter the house.
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
His junk had piercings everywhere. The dick and balls. It was a fucking pirate penis.
I wonder if the sex shop has any Black Friday deals.
So I lost my dignity between the strip club and your penis...
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
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