Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
I don't know how it happened, one minute we were talking about Huck Finn, the next minute I was blowing him behind the corner of his apartment building.
update: ifinallt managed t5o be in a. Horizontal position without throwing up... the snmall victories.
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
You are mentally unprepared to be exposed to my degree of perversion.
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
Sorry for rubbing my feet on you and repeating "good pony, stay."
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
I'm serious. I have boob tassles if this is an exchange thing.
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
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