oh good, I think they're gone
the painters?
my herpes
she had a pic of herself in a bikini as the wallpaper on her iPhone... I'm sensing a Tyra banks kinda girl. shit.
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
I've been here 20 minutes and a sweaty naked man has kissed me on the cheek.
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
COME HERE AND I WILL SUCK YOUR COCK UNDER THE LIGHT OF THIS BEAUTIFUL ELECTRICITY
Went to open youtube this morning, and the last search was "ten hours of whale sounds" Best pillow talk ever!
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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