One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
I don't want to eat him, he probably tastes terrible.
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
Not gonna lie i was comfortable between the allsups air conditioners while you were talking to the cop.
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
Randomize
