new low.... made out with someone while peeing
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
He noticed there was ketchup on his shirt and took it off. Noticed there were people there and put it back on. Then he saw the ketchup again. He must have taken his shirt on and off about 6 times
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
of course! give me a few hours to recover from chugging a 4loko out of a frisbee, and it will be rage time yet again
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
I ate shrooms on a frozen river in an ice fishing shack after a day of vics and beer and walked around on the river in a stupor. They made me bite the head off of a fish.
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
did he think i wouldnt notice the naked girl in the backseat
Randomize
