so he just left - touched my cheek like he was gona kiss me and then gave me a fist bump?
it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
and now there are teeth marks on my dick.
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
I'm not surprised. You have the libido of an Italian soccer team.
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
High with mom again. She's giving me relationship advice.
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
So, in keeping with the last two years, are we going to watch the new Hobbit movie on acid again? It's kinda starting to feel like a Christmas tradition.
According to my bank account I spent a penny some where
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