the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
He said "ride me pocahontas" while I was on top of him last night
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
i knew my hormones were back to normal when i went to ikea and didn't want to fuck any of the workers
I FOUND THE LEGS
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
Yeah, he threw a chair and hit her in the side of the head. She started hysterically crying and then proceeded to continue kicking our ass at beerpong. The girls got talent.
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
Randomize
